Recently a young teenager hacked up his aunt with a knife , and people are trying to lay the blame on the game Diablo . If you have ever played Diablo, you would know that the only realistic way to blame a murder on Diablo would be if the perpetrator grabbed the victim by the face and repeatedly slammed his index finger into the victim’s forehead, mouse-click style.

I am John’s profound contempt for everyone who blames anything other than wasted time on video games. So I have decided to imagine what kind of deaths other video games would cause…

Tetris
Person A bricks up person B in a wall, Cask of Amantillado style.

Pokemon
Victim is mauled while attempting to stuff a doberman into a panty-hose egg.

Unreal Tournament
Victim dies of head injuries after screaming “WALL HACK” and running face-first into the side of a building.

Asteroids
We’ll just call this one an unfortunate skeet-shooting accident.

Breakout
Tennis racket. Brick wall. Grenade. Darwin.

“America is a dildo which has turned berserkly on its owner” -Tom McGuane