The latest volume of the Harry Potter series hits the shelves tonight at Midnight. Local bookstores, which will be staying open until at least 1am, are full of witches and warlocks and all manner of pointy hats and broomsticks.

So, out of sympathy for my low-wage comrades in the retail industry, the following is a brief contemplation of Harry Potter: Order of the Phoenix.

Who knew Rowlings had it in her to write such an appealing coming- of- age, coming- out- of- the- closet book? And it was done so well, too! I mean, when Harry got Hermione pregnant I assumed they would get married and settle down together, but no , Harry spends most of the last two hundred pages playing tonsil hockey with the entirety of House Slitheryn. And polishing his black latex wand.

In chapter 5, Harry gets initiated into the Order of Priapus. Boy, I thought he was done for during the chase scene at the end of his quest for Wyckham’s Ball Gag.

Yup. Poor Hermione. Sleeping with the fishes.

You know, it’s all good clean family entertainment. Kids will especially get a kick out of Harry’s clever use of the Tony’s Turgid Timber spell which he used to defeat the Harrowing Harem.

So run to your nearest bookstore and stand in line for two more hours and get the latest volume of this wonderful series, because Ba’al knows, if you don’t get the book before your friends you could end up ostracized and cursed with Eternal Catcher-dom.

Just like poor Draco.

I made all of this up. I haven’t actually read the book. Don’t sue me. This is a legal disclaimer. If you can’t read this, why are you bothering to buy a book? Allow me to say again, for the search engines, Harry Potter. Fnord.